I want to live peaceably. I want to live humbly. I want to live quietly. One of the few things I’m certain of in life is that when When God speaks, when the Holy Spirit convicts me, it is strong and irresistible and because I know the source, I have great strength to choose to do what God is directing despite the terror and fear rolling inside me.
Such peace came when I felt an embracing grace and freedom from God, a freedom to not be the one who always speaks up, always states their mind, always address conflict with conversation, the one who believe resolution is best come through these means. I fully acknowledge I hate, dread, tremble and cry at the thought of disagreement or misunderstanding, thus I often think I should be choosing to engage others more in conversation to at least relieve my anxiety. Engaging others more in order to become braver and bolder and more quickly resolve the tension I feel. But the Bible speaks much of humility and grace and if resolution in my heart is possible through non confronting means of prayer, than praise be to God. Many cultures choose every option other than direct conflict first. I’m not sure direct is always the right answer.
As someone who over analyzes right and wrong daily I feel a weight lifted. I hope to weed out some anger, some bitterness taking root, some lingering hurt. Such things are typically unintentional on others part and I’m sure I’ve said some idiotic things as well. I’m often overly sensitive to words and I don’t want to further burden people with the anger I feel from their less thought out words and actions. People are simply doing their best. So what do I do with the feelings?
If God convicts me to speak to them, he will present the situation and he will make it clear. For now, there are plenty of other people in the world speaking their mind on innumerable topics. I’m going to pray for humility and an abundance of mercy for others. I’m praying for discernment from God. I’m praying he helps me seek and follow him rather than the worry about the impression my actions give others. I’m doing my best. They’re doing their best. We’re sinful people. God help me have grace, and when we falter, may our words to one another be “words for the wind”.